Today was our March of Dimes Walk and even though we did an AWESOME job with our donations (THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO DONATED!!), it was a crappy weather day. It was about 45 degrees, foggy, and cloudy. Rain threatened for the morning, but it was just damp and yucky. It had rained and stormed all night last night, so it was just a muddy mess. (okay I will stop describing the weather now)
Needless to say, it was not quite ideal walking weather and it was definitely not kid friendly weather either. So, my Mom and I went and I turned in our pledges and we stayed for a little while. There were some brave die-hards who did do the walk - very impressive. The real stinker is that later in the afternoon it was sunny and warmer - what would have been perfect walking weather. Oh well, we can't control the weather and hopefully it will be better next time!
Here I am at the walk! Unfortunately not so busy this year:( Thank you again to all our generous family and friends that donated for us again this year!
Last Friday, the day after Quent's surgery, I was so sick. Really bad off and Tom came home a little early so I could get a good rest in. When I got up from my nap my 3 guys were just coming home with dinner. They had walked to the pizza place (only a few blocks away - gotta love living in a small town!) and brought home pizzas! Aren't they too cute?! Jack and Quent were so proud that they helped Daddy get dinner and were such good boys on their walk. Daddy did a good job too, taking care of Momma and everyone!
Its been one week since Quentin had the surgery to put the tubes in his ears. He is doing great!! Well, he was doing great that day, so I guess it should say he is still doing great!!
Here's some shots of the cutie on that day:
He's all ready to go in. That hat is awesome and he loves it. He would tip it to the side to cover one eye and say "Argh, I'm a pirate!"
Quent and Momma ready to go in to the OR. It is so great that one of us gets to take him into the OR and stay with him until he is asleep. And then they were right back out to get me back to him as soon as he was done. Which was super quick - maybe 5 minutes - then he was back with Momma. Do you notice the new specs are on? I am looking a little rough that early in the am, but I've got the glasses on :)
Enjoying some juice while getting ready to go, he did such a good job, what a proud Momma I am. Right away he noticed that things were much louder, so that took him a little bit to get used to, but was a good sign that it had worked! And he just charmed all the ladies everywhere he was! He loved all the attention! Especially since Aunt Jean was there to take care of us and all her friends at work there were falling all over this adorable boy too!
Thank you Aunt Jean for making sure we were well taken care of!!
We had planned on doing our NICU book delivery for Joshua's birthday while we were at the hospital if Quent was up to it, and since he was pretty much hopping all over and acting like his normal self, we went ahead with those plans. My Mom brought Jack up to the hospital to meet us. We did our book delivery and visited with some of our friends in the NICU, it was nice to do Joshua's Birthday donation all together.
Here's Tom, Quent, Jack and Gramma walking out of the hospital in the sunshine. LOVE the holding hands!!
ps - Later that night Quent told Tom, "Daddy! Something is coming! Do you hear it? Something is coming!" After some talking and calming Quent down a little, Tom figured out that Quent was hearing the clock tick in their bedroom. Obviously he hasn't heard that in a while. Wow.
My cousin Bryan (as seen in this prior post) is competing this Saturday in the Mr. Flint Junior bodybuilding contest. He has worked really hard (as you will see by the awesome results) and to my untrained eye, I think he should have a really good shot at winning!
The local news here did a story on the upcoming competition and Bryan is in it - in the beginning and again at the end (he's the one in the "light red" speedo!) Check it out!
Here's all the fun shots from Easter weekend. Now that we are all healthy and are back into a normal routine (ha - what's normal??) I can get back to keeping this up to date. I have missed my little blogging world, but know that I have been checking in to keep up an all the happenings on my favorite blogs to read, even if I haven't always commented :)
So, Easter Weekend...
Friday My Mom and I took the boys to an Easter Egg Hunt and pot luck lunch with my Mothers of Multiples Group. It was really crowded but so much fun!! The Easter Bunny was not a hit with my boys, but the other kids seem to like him. Quent gave him a high five, but that was as close as it got. Jack on the other hand was keeping a tight grip on my thigh and wanted no part of that bunny. Quent even asked me, "Momma is Santa Claus coming too?!" Yet another scary iconic holiday character. Do they travel in packs?
When we got home we painted eggs. Yes, painted eggs. I thought that would be more hands-on fun than just dipping in really messy, staining dye. And when you see the paint covered boys, you will understand why.
Saturday was a fun play day over at my parents' house with Rob and Abby and the girls, Len and Kyle, us and Gramma and Papa. We tried out the boys' 'new' power wheels Jeep that we got at the mom2mom sale and it was a big hit! BTW - the reason Tessa is not in these pictures is that she was napping while we were outside, we did not forget her!
Sunday was Easter Brunch at our house for my Mom's side of the family. We had a big egg hunt for all the kids in the backyard and since the weather was so beautiful, they all just stayed out and played the rest of the party. We all had a nice time.
Now that Easter is caught up, now I can move onto the next post!
First of all , thank you for the sweet comments left by some of you on my last post. Joshua's birthday is this Sunday and it makes my heart smile to know that everyone gets to know so much about our first baby boy.
I have yet to post lots of adorable pictures from our really fun Easter weekend. It just hasn't happened this week, but it will soon.
Quent had his tubes put in his ears yesterday morning and he did spectacularly! I always thought his hearing was pretty good, but there is a definite improvement since the surgery. Last night, he told Tom, "There's something coming Daddy, there is something coming!!" Turns out he was hearing the clock in their room ticking. He had not heard it before (or at least in a while) obviously! So, he is for sure feeling the benefits, thank goodness for him!
At my Mothers of multiple meeting last night I was voted in as vice president for the 2009-2010 year! Pretty exciting, I am sure I will love taking a more active part in the group! Congrats to all the other members of the board too!
Now that the boys are finally healthy and its warm and beautiful out this week - I am sick. What started out as allergies has now become a nasty cold-like illness. Yippee. So, I feel like complete crap and am SO tired. Moms don't often get to call in sick, but Tom is going to come home early to save me and get the boys outside to have fun since the sun is killing my head and they really should get to go out and play on a beautiful day.
Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here!
And for those of you who might be looking for some fun shopping on Sunday and you are in the area, check out my friend Amy's March of Dimes fundraiser! Here's her advertisement form her blog:
It's time for our 2nd Annual March of Dimes vendor show!! Sunday, April 19th from 11 - 3 at Huron Valley Lutheran High School - 33740 Cowan Road in Westland. The following vendors will be in attendance:
Aloette Avon Cash for Gold, Silver & Coins! Celebrating Home Close To My Heart Cookie Lee Creative Memories Gold Canyon Candles Greener Generations Handmade knitted items Pampered Chef Simply fun Sterling Silver Jewelry Tastefully Simple Two Sisters & Party Lite Uppercase Living
In addition you can pamper yourself with a new hair cut by professional stylist Nicole List and get a soothing Parafin Hand Treatment by Holly Pounders
Stop by Ian's Famous Lemonade stand and the Bake Sale too
We do this in memory of Madison Hope Henzi and Nathaniel Martin Hannewald who became angels in 2007. The money raised will go directly to the March of Dimes - March for Babies. **********
(note: not only is this very long, but it is very emotional ,both for me to have written, but probably also to read. Maybe not a good read for at work ,etc.)
“You can try again”
Well, that is easier said than done.We were terrified to try again and at the same time, we really wanted to have a baby. I really wanted to have a baby.Shortly after our housewarming party in November of 2002, we found out we were expecting again on December 5th. (I actually know the exact date of conception, but I won’t go into details hereJ, my family reads this blog too)Talk about crazy.I was so paranoid and worried and excited and trying to be hopeful that I was driving myself crazy!(And probably Tom, too)Our due date was August 13, 2003 and that seemed like forever!
We made it to about 9 ½ weeks uneventfully.Then one night, while Tom had run out to the store for something I had a sudden bout of bleeding.I totally freaked.It was just a rush of blood, kind of like a pop and there was bleeding and then it stopped very quickly.We went to the ER per our Dr’s instructions and after waiting until the wee hours of the morning with no more spotting we decided to go home and go to our own Dr. first thing in the morning to get an ultrasound.
You see, at 9 ½ weeks, you are still in the first trimester and therefore you do not get to go to Labor and delivery, but to the regular ER.There you wait and are monitored, but if you are miscarrying they cannot stop it and so they just make sure you have no other, more serious symptoms.And you are not the priority for the ultrasound machine, so you could wait a really long time for someone to come down to take a look to see if your baby is still okay.It’s a pretty crappy system from my point of view.
The next morning we woke up and immediately went to the OB’s office, thinking the worst and hoping the best.On ultrasound our little bean was moving all over and had a wonderfully strong heartbeat! Whew.What the bleeding was was a subchorionic hematoma – a small pocket of blood or clot that develops between the folds of the placenta and the uterine wall.Some resolve on their own and some will cause bleeding, most often it is not a really big problem in the first trimester and the Dr. just watches to make sure the placenta is still attached fine.That was what happened to me.They just watched, put me on bed rest for a while and then everything seemed okay.
On March 26th, 2003, it seemed like I may be losing my mucus plug.No, I was only about 18-19 weeks along, that couldn’t be happening.One call to the OB and they would clear this up.They said to come in immediately.Do not delay.Tom and I rushed back to Flint (where the OB was and closer to where we lived) from Lansing (where we both worked).That was a pretty stressful drive.Upon taking a look at my cervix, the Dr. asked Tom to take a look too.What?!Ewww.But he did it and the Dr. explained that what he was looking at was my bag of water bulging out of my dilated cervix!We were to go to the hospital immediately – lying on my back in the backseat – they were calling ahead to let them know we were on our way.They did an emergency cerclage (sewed my cervix shut) that was not quite successful and I ended up dilated again and in the hospital on strict bed rest.
So, we were just trying to buy some time for our little peanut now.We needed to keep him/her in me for as long as possible, and since I was not in active labor but just dilated, the plan was to keep me on my back and hope for the best.We got a visit from the neonatologist and he told us that we needed to get to at least 23 weeks, they could not intervene for the baby until after that point.They would transfer me by ambulance to the hospital with the NICU when I was almost 23 weeks.He also told us all the scary complications that could happen for the baby, the extent of what they could do and tried to give us some hope that we could have a healthy outcome for our little one.It was way overwhelming to say the least.I made it to the almost 23 week mark, and on a Monday, April 14th I was transferred to Hurley.I wouldn’t be on the antepartum unit very long.
On that Friday night, the 18th, I started having contractions after dinner.After a pattern became apparent they moved me to the labor and delivery unit to try to stop the labor.I can honestly tell you that what they do to stop the labor is nearly as bad as the labor itself.Anyone who has been on magnesium sulfate will attest to that.I was now 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
After hours of trying to stop the labor, it was obvious that not only was that not working, but I was showing signs of infection , was dilated completely and the baby had moved into the birth canal.It was not going to be stopped and this baby was coming.
Here’s where my memory becomes spotty.I remember noticing at one push that there was A LOT of people in the room.A LOT, like 20 maybe.One of the nurses was wearing rabbit ears, this was Easter weekend.I do remember a lot of pain, and some really gory details that need not be shared.But at 3:39 am that Saturday morning, our baby was born and Tom clearly shouted to me, “I think I saw that it’s a boy!”
Joshua Thomas was born at 3:39 am on Saturday, April 19th, 2003.He weighed 1 lb. 6 oz. and was 11 ¼ inches long. He was the smallest baby in the NICU at that time, called a micro preemie.But to us he was perfect, small, but so perfect.He had my nose and Daddy’s hands and feet.
How do I start to tell you how much I love this boy?How much I wanted this boy?How I adored every second that I spent with him?This small little guy was our very existence for the time he was with us.I spent everyday (minus one day that I thought I might be sick and did not want to risk taking any germ to him) at his bedside.Sometimes I talked to him, sang to him, or held his hand. Sometimes I just sat in the chair and rocked and stared at him.Often I cried, for both happy and sad reasons.Oh how I loved this beautiful creature that was mine, a part of me.I would leave when the unit closed to visitors and return with Tom later in the day.This was my life. He was my life at that time.
Joshua had good days.Days where we got to change diapers or ooh and aah over his yawns, stretches and grimaces.The best days were when he was doing so well that we could hold him.That was heaven, absolute heaven.I spent my first mother’s day and my 29th birthday in the bliss that was Joshua.We got to show him off and share loving on him with his grandparents, his great-grandma, aunts, and uncles.I never knew that one little boy could bring me so much joy and pride.
Joshua also had his bad days.Days where scary things happened, things we could not fix, but could just stand by and watch others try to fix.That’s one of the really hard parts of him being in the hospital, there was so much we could not do for him and everyday we had to leave him there, entrusted to someone else’s care.There were days when we were sure we would lose him. We called our family to come and somehow he would pull through.It was not only physically exhausting, but emotionally horrendous.We had Joshua baptized in the NICU on one of those bad days that turned around.It was so special to have our family there and have him blessed.I am so glad that we did that.
We watched other babies come and go - big, fat round babies who had been there but a few hours and babies that had been there for a long time before we were.Joshua had a tag on his bed that said “I’m Tiny, but Tough” and was he ever.We were prepared for the long road that lay ahead.The long road that would be healing and catching up for Joshua, as long as he was with us we were willing to work through anything.
At the beginning of June, Joshua began to show signs of a bowel perforation; he had surgery to repair it, but was really struggling to heal.He had become septic.We spent many nights there in the hospital, wanting to be close for him and for us.On the morning of June 9th I got the call we had been dreading.My mom rushed me to the NICU and Tom rushed back from work.When I got there I was told there was no more that could be done.We had thought it was the end before, but this time I could feel it, I knew.I held my baby close, told him I loved him, and stroked his hair.When Tom arrived, we had them remove all the tubes and wires and we just held Joshua, for the first and only time, with nothing in the way.In a private room, we wrapped him in his blanket from home and told him all the things we needed to say. We said goodbye.Our families said goodbye. To say this was a defining moment in my life does not do it justice.And yet, we had no preparation for this, we were feeling our way through this profound, important experience.You can’t prepare for this.
That day and the days that have followed have been incredibly difficult.We had his funeral; Tom spoke and read this beautiful story he had written of our baby boy.My dad’s friend, a wonderful singer/songwriter, sang for the service and we all joined in as he sang ‘You are my sunshine’ to him at the end of the service.That was our song.He was cremated and his ashes are with us, kept in a special place in our bedroom.
The abyss that I sank into after Joshua’s death lasted for a while.I thought I would never emerge, maybe that I never wanted to emerge, but we had a lot of great support from our family and friends, and a great grief therapist that helped both Tom and I through.
And time.It takes time.Lots of time.
There are days still that I am a mess, days that I am so sad for him that I cannot function properly, but those days are less frequent.I will always be a bereaved mother, I will always have a son that died and I will always mourn his loss.I am crying now as I write this, I think these tears will always come. This part of my life affects my everyday existence and yet, if I had to do it all again, even knowing how it would end up, I would give anything to do over those 7 weeks and 2 days that I had with my sweet baby Joshua.
I could go on and on forever with stories about Joshua, our time with him, and the grief that we continue to experience, but I hope this gives you a snapshot into one of the happiest and saddest times in our lives. And maybe gives a clearer picture of who we are and our struggle with ‘infertility’, infant loss and bereavement, things I know many of you in the blogging world have also experienced. Our story continues…
Coming Next: Saying Hello and Goodbye to Sarah and Jacob
Here I am at the walk!
