Playing in the snow!

Today was the perfect weather for playing out in the snow, not so bitterly cold, but not so warm that the snow was all melty (is that a word?!). We took the boys out and threw snowballs, made a snowman, climbed a ginormous snowbank, and just frolicked in the snow in general. Needless to say, we all had a great time playing together!
So, here's our pics from today - how efficient am I! - and just so you know, Jack is in the blue and Quent is in the red. I am pretty sure you should be able to tell Tom and I apart!

Whatchya been up to?

Since Christmas the weather here has been ridiculously cold (no news to most of you out there), but unless we needed to go somewhere we did not brave that bitter cold just to get out. So , we had to come up with some creative things to do to keep us occupied.

Being ever the helpers, the boys thought us some of their own ways to keep from being bored!

Like helping Mom to shred some papers, or waiting til she steps away for a second to dump out the pile of shredded paper!
Fun for everyone!

By the way, shredded paper strips are not so easy to get up off of berber carpeting.


I did not take any pictures of the entire tissue box emptied and shredded in their room one day after they go up from nap. I was listening over the monitor, thinking, "listen to them playing so nicely, they are having so much fun together" Little did I knwo that the fun was ripped up all over their room. Again - big fun to get kleenex shreds up off of carpet.


In keeping with their apparent paper theme -
here's what Jack was busy doing while Daddy was changing Quent's stinky pants
(Daddy was also letting Momma sleep in this day, poor Dad)

Then there are the times where they let their little imaginations run wild and they find the most adorable things to do to keep us busy and keep us laughing!

Like - here they are lounging in their IKEA igloo (which they love!)with some couch pillows and their blankets playing and catching up on their reading. They played in the tent that day for something like 45 minutes! I was sure there was something up because they were so quiet that I kept looking in on them to make sure.

Speaking of a wild imagination:
(I dare you not to smile at these!)

"I am havin' some salad Momma!"
Jack made a 'salad' of his monkeys from the Barrel of Monkeys game!

"Look at my moustache"
Quent's moustache is actually the crust of bread from his sandwich!

And just this Friday I got to go visit with our newest little friend Natalie and her Mom and Dad. (thanks Gramma for watching the boys!)
She is quite the adorable little princess, and boy are her parents in love with her!
But just look at her, how could you not be!

This is the little miss Natalie in her swing. She had just eaten and she was having a little downtime. She was so alert, looking all around with those pretty brown eyes. At least that is what her Mom says the best guess for her eye color right now!

The story of us - in the beginning

How can you really connect with someone if you don’t know their story, where they are coming from? Here is our story. How our family came to be in the place that we are today. I have said many times that I am not the person I was 10 years ago. I am changed. I have been blessed and cursed. My life has not always gone as I had planned or wanted, but how can I wish the past away without it taking away what I have and what I am now. Anyway, here is my attempt at letting you in on our story of pregnancy, loss, our road through gestational surrogacy, and our finally found happiness.

My goodness, where to begin…

I have always known. Always known that I would be a Momma one day. I am the oldest child and oldest grandchild on both of my parents’ sides. That’s the oldest of 29 grandchildren total. I was the one left in charge, I was the one left to look out for the others. I was forever around little kids, babysitting, working in day cares, becoming a nanny, etc. My degree has an early childhood focus; my jobs have had that focus too. So, it was a given. Everyone knew I would be the one having a flock of children.

I met my best friend and who I truly believe I am forever intended to be with in December of 1998. Tom and I just clicked, it was comfortable and right from the beginning. I was totally in love. He was it for me. Tom moved to Frostburg, Maryland to begin working on his master’s degree and I was miserable without him. So, after I promised my Mom that I would not buy property or get pregnant while I was there, I moved there too. Tom proposed December of 1999 and obviously I said yes. We were married back here in Michigan on July 8, 2000. It was beautiful, we were so happy, and in hindsight, we were so blissfully unaware of what challenges may lay ahead. It was a great time.

Tom finished his degree and we moved back to Michigan in April 2001. Babies had been our plan just as soon as we were back in MI. I had stopped the pill in January and begun the prenatal vitamins in preparation. So I was more than ready to get that plan moving. We were both just newly at our jobs and decided to give it a little time before we started trying. Our first positive pregnancy test came in August that year. To say we were excited is really an understatement. We were on top of the world! We told everyone right away and we basked in the glow of it all!

Tom’s Mom had been battling cancer for some time and this summer had been her worst time of all. In late August we got the call that she was in very bad shape and hospice had been called in. Tom and I rushed to see her and it was clear that she was not going to make it through the night. She passed that night and the loss was profound. Tom was devastated and I did my best to be there for him. We felt glad that she knew we were pregnant, that she had some happy news so near the end. Little did we know that only a short time later even more bad news would come.

I began spotting and then bleeding at about 7-8 weeks along. Tests confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying. It was a terrible nightmare. I was told to go home and let it happen naturally. Naturally? Are you kidding? There was nothing about this that felt natural. I had to keep going in for blood tests so that they could watch my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels come down. That was torture in and of itself.

“Oh, excuse me what are you here for? Why do you need your blood drawn again?” Every time, I had to explain.

The doctor said we could try again as soon as we wanted, it was an early loss and nothing suggested that there were problems. And besides, you have to have 3 miscarriages to get any real testing done anyway. Go home – procreate.

We handled it the best we could. I cried, Tom was upset and supportive. Then we got right back on the baby making wagon after a couple of months. My want for a child had only increased, but I will say that my blinders were off. No longer was I the blissful, oblivious woman I had been. I was jaded. I had been badly hurt and I was going to be more careful and aware this time around.

When we found out we were pregnant again, we told NO ONE. Not a soul. We could tell after the 1^st trimester was done and everything was okay. At 10 weeks, I could hold it no longer and told my friend, Amy. She was happy and excited for us. I started to feel good. Not long after that, the spotting began. Now we were going to our real OB/GYN (not the family doc from before) and when they saw us they reassured us that these things happen and often the pregnancy is fine. The “let’s just take a look” ultrasound would prove that to be wrong. The baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. And because my body had not begun the process of taking care of the miscarriage on its own, I would need a D+C.

So began the process of telling people. It was surgery, I had to tell people. I remember distinctly my Mom’s reaction. Of course she was upset about the baby, but she told me that she wished she would have known from the beginning. She said that she wanted to enjoy the happiness from the start even if something happened, it was too hard to only get to hear the bad news. From then on, my Mom would always be told, I would never leave her out again.

Recovery this time was a bit harder. I dreamed about the little spirit that we had lost, I dreamed about what he or she would have been like. I longed for the feeling of morning sickness again. My emotions were raw and I was scared this was never going to happen for us. The thought of not having children was not even fathomable for me, just beyond my realm of thinking. It just had to happen.

In May of 2002, we bought our house and just before we closed we found out we were pregnant again, so many new beginnings. Which room would be the baby’s? Again, our hopes were dashed by what seemed to be the inevitable spotting, and then bleeding that would come.

Three, now we had had three. Three is the magic number. The number that all the docs look at as signifying “oh, now there could be a problem”. In some ways I get why they wait to see if you have recurrent miscarriages. I have read the statistics about how many women miscarry, some not even knowing that they had been pregnant at all (so how do they count these women who didn’t even know, huh?), then go on to normal healthy pregnancies. So, yes, logically I get it. It would be really expensive to do testing on every woman who has 1 miscarriage. BUT, logic hardly plays a part when you are the one having the miscarriage/ miscarriages.

I was broken, emotionally and physically. I wanted the physical part to be fixed. I knew that my heart would never be the same, no one could give our babies back to me, but I at least wanted my body to do what it was supposed to do. There were a lot of tests trying to find something to fix. A LOT. By the end of October of that year, we had the answer.

“Unexplained Recurrent Miscarriages” – nothing definitively wrong with me.

“You can try again. Take a baby aspirin everyday and some progesterone lozenges and we’ll see what happens.” Not long after, that’s what we did.

Coming Next: Our life and times with Joshua

Way Back When-esday: The Happy Birthday Avery edition

Okay, so since Avery's birthday was on the 19th, obviously I have been running a bit behind. But we had so much fun celebrating with her in Grand Rapids, that I just cannot not post a birthday post about it! And so she is the subject of my Way Back When-esday post. Way Back When-esday is hosted by Twinfatuation, Check it out!

Here is little Miss Avery Jane just after she was born (photo courtesy of Papa)

And then a few months later, being the smiley girl that she usually is!
Is this picture not so adorable! It is one of my favorites.

We met at the Grand Rapids Children's Museum 2 weekends ago. We includes: Rob, Abby, Avery, Tessa, Gramma, Papa, Len, Kyle, Mike and Michael (friends of Rob and Abby and his son), and the 4 of us.
That place was HUGE - 2 floors and lots of space and activities! The kids had a great time and all did really well staying together and playing well with each other and all the other kids there.

Avery at the bubble table
(notice all the snow out the window, the weather was awful)

Michael and Quentin playing in the bubbles too.
These were so cool and made really big bubbles, all the big kids liked playing here too!

The music area was a big hit too.


These 3 are shots of Jack, Avery, and Quent looking through a mirrored triangle tube.
It was a really neat effect!






Quent is playing with the "ATM" in the bank. It was a cool setup with a car and a tube to send things back and forth. Jack is getting into the car.



Jack looking very closely at the beehive. He talked about the bees moving in there for days.


Brave Tessa takes the big slide face first!
She was so happy and luckily it was padded at the bottom, so she was safely sliding too!


Avery is hugging 2 big penguins. They had a big exhibit with all kinds of penguin stuff - very cool - and all the kids loved it. The slide behind her comes out into a pit of white "snowballs".


Here was Quentin's favorite part of the museum. You load all the balls in from the top and then you pull out the lever and all the balls fall out (think connect four game). He and Uncle Lenny stayed there for a very lopng time, playing with all the different shapes they had for the balls.


Gramma, Uncle Lenny, Quent and Tessa loading the balls in (notice that Quentin has all orange balls - his favorite color!)


Another shape for the balls and Avery joined Quent.

We all went to TGIFridays for a late lunch, cake and presents.
Avery gave out goodie bags to Jack and Quent and Michael. The big hit of the bag was the party blowers! (we still have them and use them almost everyday!)

Quent making lots of noise!


Jack really got into it and after he played with it for a while, he got really good at controlling it and making it go in and out slowly. It was hilarious how intent he was on that thing. He fell asleep in the car with it in his hand!


Avery opening presents next to Aunt Ky-Ky.


Yahoo - Avery blew out all the candles!


Mmmmm cake


Mmmm cake


Avery showing me her Kung Fu Panda decorations from her cake, Avery's mom (Aunt Abby) is helping out the cake covered birthday girl.

We had SO MUCH FUN! And I think Avery had a very Happy Birthday celebration!
We can't wait to plan our next trip to this really awesome mueum!

What I am working on

I know it seems like I have been sort of absent, and I do have a lot of fun pictures to post and update, but I gotta tell you that I have been working on something.
I wanted to tell our story and it is taking me a long time to write it all. So, each time i sit at the computer i have been using my time to work on that and not to write new posts.

I felt like I wanted to share with everyone our struggle with miscarriage, high-risk pregnancies, prematurity, time in the NICU, losing our sweet Angels Joshua, Sarah and Jacob, seemingly insurmountable grief, and the path we took to gestational surrogacy that led us to Jackson and Quentin. I feel such a kinship to a lot of Moms out there who have had similar experiences to mine and I just don't feel like I have done that part of my life justice in sharing where I have been.

So, look for that soon, and I will work to get out some pictures of the awesome birthday party we went to for Avery last week soon!