What I am working on

I know it seems like I have been sort of absent, and I do have a lot of fun pictures to post and update, but I gotta tell you that I have been working on something.
I wanted to tell our story and it is taking me a long time to write it all. So, each time i sit at the computer i have been using my time to work on that and not to write new posts.

I felt like I wanted to share with everyone our struggle with miscarriage, high-risk pregnancies, prematurity, time in the NICU, losing our sweet Angels Joshua, Sarah and Jacob, seemingly insurmountable grief, and the path we took to gestational surrogacy that led us to Jackson and Quentin. I feel such a kinship to a lot of Moms out there who have had similar experiences to mine and I just don't feel like I have done that part of my life justice in sharing where I have been.

So, look for that soon, and I will work to get out some pictures of the awesome birthday party we went to for Avery last week soon!

Natalie Grace has arrived!

...And with a bang I hear!

My bestest girlfriend Amy at Here We Go Again had her baby this morning and it was a girl! (they waited for the surprise) And although I didn't get every detail, Amy told me that they arrived at the hospital mere minutes before Natalie was born. In fact, she was close to being born in their kitchen!
She is super beautiful and I can't wait to meet little Natalie Grace!
Take a peek over on her site for pics of the beauty (yes, the child was born this morning and they have already updated the blog!)
Congratulations Amy and Greg, have fun loving on that sweet girl!

I am still here

Just in case you were wondering...

No news on the job front yet, but thanks for all the great words of support and help from my peeps. I'll let you know as soon as there is news to tell.

We have been trying to keep warm here (terribly frigid weather as many of you have had too) and trying to keep the boys busy and having fun. I had a sick day on Wednesday and the boys spent that day with daddy - Big Fun for them! We had a couple visits from Gramma, a very welcomed visitor by Jack and Quent! they fought over her the whole time! Our big fun was that we went to Grand Rapids for Avery's birthday party yesterday and that was a blast!! (I will have pictures up tomorrow)

So, I am still here, a big bundle of nerves, but still here.


And just because I never posted it before but had it all loaded and ready to go I will take this opportunity to put up a video we took over the summer - yep, I am right on top of things - when we had a HUGE spider living in our window. It was between the screen and the sliding part of the window, so while the spider was there we did not open the window, I certainly did not want that thing in the house!!
But the boys loved watching it and making it scurry around by tapping on the glass.
**Be sure to take special notice of the screaming Momma who is so creeped out by the spider that even though it is behind glass I still jump and shriek. (gosh i hate to listen to my own voice!)
and OMG - how small my little boys look and sound - it was not that long ago!

I'm too tired to take pictures off the camera

So, yes, I probably have some really cute ones on there, but i am just too tired to deal with it right now.

Why? You may ask.

What - you have 2-and-a-half year old twin boys (who you love dearly) and they run you ragged sometimes?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And in addition to all the really fun adventures we had this week: our 1st trip to the movie theater, going to Gramma and Papa's, getting my allergy shot (or what the boys think is 'waiting room free for all'), going to playgroup, haircuts, etc., we also had our share of tantrums, fighting, screaming, and waking up multiple times in the night for what I can only guess is teething/molar pain or nightmares.
Add it all up and you get one exhausted Momma and Daddy.

And just to mention it, my stress level has been really high and that hasn't helped either. This week, I saw a job listing that I really want to try for, its just too perfect. We have been looking for a financial solution for a while and me going back to some kind of work is it. Which means day care, commuting, etc.

And if I can get deep for a moment...
It scares the bejeezus out of me to leave the boys all day in someone else's (not our family's) care. I have serious trust issues especially when it comes to my kids. I am very overprotective and have allowed myself to feel pretty righteously overprotective given that I have lost 3 of my babies. Having your child die takes away a lot of your faith in that "things are going to turn out alright".
Are you sensing the high levels of anxiety?

I know there are good places out there and good people and I am trying to find all the positives that could be in the situation. Because it is really what we need to do and I gotta get all on board with that.

I feel so lucky to have been able to be a stay at home Momma for as long as I have. It has been all I ever wanted to do and I wish that I could do it until they are in school, but we just can't do it. Its a weird feeling that i don't really want to go back to work, but I really want this job if i do have to go back. So, basically i am driving myself insane (more than i already am!) fretting about a job that I only just applied for and planning out what might happen if I did get the job. blechhhh

Okay, done with that rant. Thanks to you all who listened.

Tomorrow morning swim class starts again so I better get to bed and get some good rest for that. Have I mentioned how much the boys love swim class? They are so cute doing all the moves and it is so much fun for Tom and I to watch them be so excited and happy.
Good times, good times.

Baby Picture Sundays - Snuggle Bugs

This week's theme over at Debi's is Snuggle Bugs. And so here are some pictures of my Snuggle Bugs, snuggling with their Momma. Isn't that just the best feeling, cuddling up to those soft little babies that you love so much?! Now that they are getting older, I miss those times and relish in the times that they do want to cuddle up and be snuggled.

Jack (about 8 months old) and Momma cuddling up to read a book reading a book


Momma and Quent (about 10 months old) snuggling during playtime

Momma, looking like she could use some sleep, snuggling 2 sleeping boys when they were 3 months old (and still small enough to easily hold together in my arms!) - check out how little hair they had!

Click on over to Debi's to play along!