Missing Sarah and Jacob

 I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
-Author Unknown

Our Sweet Angels Sarah Jane and Jacob Robert,

Today would have been your 6th birthday, we hope you know how much we love you and miss you today and everyday ♥

I'll get there...

How did we get from this - 

To this -

Here are some facts that just cannot be ignored:

My babies are 4 years old.

They are starting preschool next week.   

They are super-excited about this.

They have never been in a non-family caregiver situation in their lives.  

I am freaking out.

Don't get me wrong, they are going to school.  I am not going to keep them home just because I am nervous.  We have been preparing them ( and honestly, preparing me too) for this upcoming major milestone and transition.  We have talked about how much fun it will be, how many friends they will have, how much they will learn, AND how Momma does not stay when they go to class, that school is just for the kids and that Momma will be waiting for you when you are done at the end of the day.  And I think that they are okay with the fact that I will be leaving them at preschool 4 days a week for 1/2 a day and that I will be waiting for them to get home on the bus.  

I think THEY are okay with this - but I am feeling doubtful about ME!  I am counting on that I can hold it together until I am out of their sight and then I can go cry like a sissy in the car all I want - just not in front of them.  I am not going to taint what will be an awesome experience for my guys with my fears and worries. 

It's weird because the intense love and need to protect my boys I feel is what makes me worry about them going off without me, but that same love and protectiveness is why I want them to have a great time away from me.  They need this, I know.  I need this, so I am told.  

I'll get there.  I will learn to enjoy their time in school as much as they do.  I will worry less, I will cry less, and I will get there too.  I have come this far as an overprotective Momma.  It was not all that long ago that I would not be able to breathe (physically, literally) when considering the thought of leaving my babies to go back to work.  Leaving them with someone else that was not Gramma or Aunt/Uncle. 

And here we are at the threshold of Preschool.  I have been able to home with them for more than 4 years and what a blessing that has been.  I know how lucky I am.  So, through every tear that I shed (including some as I write this) I will be grateful my boys are getting older and smarter and stronger and more independent.  Grateful, that they are mine and will be home by lunch.

Jack and Quent are going to have an amazing, awesome time in preschool.  

And Momma will get there too ☺